Not that I don't know what I was doing - my last post was March 11. I had said that March was my month to keep up with Pilates and yoga - and mostly I did. The second week I also coordinated/helped send out a fund raising letter to 300+ people. Then the third week I spent a lot of time at Emory watching the Buddhist monks create a sand mandala. I also created a piece for the Stations of the Cross at our Church. The fourth week was Holy Week; I walked the labyrinth a few times. Then Easter, and we took a family vacation to Portland, OR and Chicago visiting family and friends. I knit and read. So, in general, I have been present enough to remember what I have been doing.
But, at the same time, I DIDN'T do a lot of things. My non-profit work stagnated - I am just now working on the second mailing that should have gone out immediately following the first. Unfortunately, I never really got back into creating my own mandalas. I really liked doing that every day. I started sitting a lot. I recognized feelings of profound loneliness.
The strange thing, is that happens to me a lot. The next thing I know, it's been a month, and my attitude towards myself and my life as deteriorated. Last night, I found out what it is - I am languishing.
My husband attended a conference yesterday, worried and unprepared, so perhaps he shared more than usual. Or perhaps I asked more than usual and showed more concern. Regardless, in explaining somethings to me last night, he talked about some research that is being done where they have a 2x2 construct: loneliness-connectedness vs. flourishing/languishing. (Researchers love 2x2 constructs!) Just as I have been realizing (again, perhaps) that I am not very - well, connected. And I could easily describe my state of living as languishing. Possibly for years now. It's clearly not having something to do - I have more than I can handle to do and often just don't do it. I have often said - I need a job to go to, I need company.
Yet, even when a job presented itself about 2 weeks ago, I decided not to apply. Mostly because it is a lot of accounting work, and not only do I not really know accounting (but I know I could learn), I don't like doing all the finances. I just wanted to be with people working towards a common cause. Hmmmm. Yet, in February I acknowledged that maybe it would be better to just stop thinking about all that. Of course, that is always when things come up. Not that I even applied - the other things that scared me about the job were 1) not getting it, 2) letting a friend down if I didn't do a very good job.
So after all this pitty party, perhaps the languishing/loneliness construct can be useful. Perhaps I can connect with the Mind-Body folks at Emory and participate in studies.
Meanwhile, I was back to the last "revelation" I had from one of my husband's talks. The best time of my life is....RIGHT NOW. I am grateful for the amazing life that we have (I just don't show it day to day). BUT I have to remember that 47 IS PRIME!! That's what I forgot the last month. Today, I'll remember.
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