KITE FLYING is LIVING PRIME!

Checking in at the 5 month point. Not much about posting every day that I can live up to, but there are other areas of my life that have really taken off - on their own path as it were. Not necessarily a FAST take off, I didn't say I was flying jets. Perhaps more like kites!!

When the wind is right, they soar. Let out more string, they go higher; with some gusts you can do tricks. But not everyday is kite-flying windy. Some are calm, some too wild, and some look great but for some reason just don't work. I like this metaphor for how I am living my life!

Funny, because at one time I wanted to be an airplane pilot (just as a hobby). Even did a test flight, prompting my grandmother to claim I had more money than brains (and my husband to begin to realize that with my family full disclosure can lead to humorous moments). But now turbulence really gets to me, taking off is fraught with some visceral fear, and there is some anxiety along the way. Once I had kids, my reactions changed (and include a little bit of a fear of heights too).

BUT KITE FLYING - now that's pretty cool! The first kites I had were simple paper ones from the dime store, cheap and easy to put together, often floundered over power lines or in nearby trees. I remember our family having a dragon kite growing up, a very long kite we got in San Francisco which really could only be flown at the beach (and only some days was the wind right). In college I had a kite in my dorm room - from a store in boston, I think, very colorful and fun. One of my daughters has one in her room now. Really, rather than spending my days worrying about why I am NOT an airplane pilot, maybe I can just reflect on how you can be a kite flyer EVERY day. Even the days I don't fly a kite - and it has been a long time.

Today I had a great session with SF, a follow-up session from the mandala workshop I participated in this month. Only two 1/2 weeks ago - both just yesterday, and hard to believe it was this month! The session was great - very focused beginning and end, work done throughout. There is no question in my mind that there is something compelling about mandalas for me. There are plenty of questions in my mind about where I go next with that. And an admission that I really don't have to go anywhere - but I can choose to. When I look at how LONG I have been involved in this form (11 years +/-), how MANY I have created (probably nearing 100), and how easy it has been in the past 5 months to really stick with this as a meditation tool and learning point, it just seems more consistent and pervasive in my life than anything else I am doing.

So we talked about things I could and couldn't do with the mandalas. She helped me focus on what to focus on (a great tool for someone with ADD), and gave me an assignment for the next few weeks when we will meet again. Very interesting - helpful in both acknowledging the multitude of interests and ideas I have, and in choosing a focus. Choosing a focus is very hard for me - and I think I just discovered some new tools.

One new tool is to just keep lots of index cards around for all the ideas floating around in my head. I want to keep track of them all, and never can, but am afraid to lose them. Perhaps I can just write them all down on cards and keep them. SF helped me see how to focus on one or two - but meanwhile I haven't lost any of the others!! I suppose I can liken all my ideas to kites in the sky. If I were looking at a vast sky filled with kites, it would be very pleasing. But even if they are all the ideas I have, I can't fly them all at the same time. I can have strings attached to one or two. The others might have to float on their own, or be given to others to fly. I could always fly other kites later, but for now - one or two will call me. I will take up their strings and test the winds.

I'll be flying a kite at the beach this summer......

RIGHT NOW

This year, like all the others it seems, is getting away from me too. Some days/weeks I reflect and feel like I've missed the "prime living" mark altogether. Too much stress and fretting.

But right now, just RIGHT NOW, I think this year is full of prime living. Not that the recent days/weeks/months haven't been stressful. I've just finished a month where I travelled every weekend, and not always where my husband or family was traveling. REUNIONS and REUNITINGS were prominent.

So RIGHT NOW - I am feeling that this is the prime of my life. Returning from my 25th college reunion, I am more reflective and appreciative of the variety of things I have been able to do than worried about where I am (or am not) at this very moment. In the last month, I have completed a boot camp session that has reordered my life in terms of exercise, sleep and eating habits. This is just beginning - tomorrow starts the next session. In the past few months I have embraced art in a different way, completing many mandalas and signing up for a week long workshop that starts in two weeks. I participated in a community stations of the cross art creation and taught calligraphy (wow, was that fun!!!). I continued the yoga and pilates from my early March trip by doing individual sessions at a Pilates studio and intermittent yoga sessions. I am trying to put myself out there - and mostly in unpredictable (to ME) ways.

One Friday night I went to a yoga with live drumming class. Now THAT was a hoot - and a personal stretch to boot!! Tons of free movement, sweating like crazy, some poses, lots of breath work - total immersion in the moment. Some reflection - when asked what is the scariest thing to you, for me it might be to let people see that I have changed. Thus, the new way of looking at things that I might choose to do - are they different than people see me now - different than I see myself??

I just returned from my 25th college reunion. Tons of highbrow sessions - none of which I went to. Where are the yoga teachers in my graduating class? The convention managers? Restaurant managers/workers? It seems that everyone is professional or arts oriented. Tough crowd to hang with. But I did - and great to see lots of the folks. What struck me the most, though, between this weekend and other friends I have connected with lately, is an underlying sense of "what if my kids don't live up to all this?" WOW was all I could think. Of course they might not!!! It's not all it's cracked up to be, it's not for everyone, and so what? Aren't they amazing just as they are (your kids)? With all their faults, learning disabilities, neuroses, attention issues, non-athletic moments - - well, really, so what? They're your kids and they will land where they land. I just feel heartsick that their parents worry about this for them. That they might not be good enough for a competitive college.....

In my experience, being good enough for a competitive college is not necessarily all it is cracked up to be. It's a snapshot view - who you are right then at that moment - and equally fraught with the possibility of future challenges. Some might accuse me of having it easy - bright kids, well-adjusted, athletic, musical - but my kids too will face challenges. And in fact, it is how they (and we, their parents) face these challenges that may be more important.

So, as I face my own demons about having not "gotten anywhere" on some prescribed path in the past 25 years, I turn that around and remember that 25 years ago, at graduation, I was looking for a career in which I was able to continually learn new things and not get bored. I'm lucky - I found it ---- whatever it is. And whatever it will be!!!

Today I'll remember - part 2

Yesterday was Holocaust Remembrance Day. Today I'll remember --- and I remembered just as I posted my last post, after I gave it that title. Yom HaShoah. Two years ago I was in Jerusalem on that day.

Today, I'll remember.

Today I'll remember

Somewhere along the line, March got lost.

Not that I don't know what I was doing - my last post was March 11. I had said that March was my month to keep up with Pilates and yoga - and mostly I did. The second week I also coordinated/helped send out a fund raising letter to 300+ people. Then the third week I spent a lot of time at Emory watching the Buddhist monks create a sand mandala. I also created a piece for the Stations of the Cross at our Church. The fourth week was Holy Week; I walked the labyrinth a few times. Then Easter, and we took a family vacation to Portland, OR and Chicago visiting family and friends. I knit and read. So, in general, I have been present enough to remember what I have been doing.

But, at the same time, I DIDN'T do a lot of things. My non-profit work stagnated - I am just now working on the second mailing that should have gone out immediately following the first. Unfortunately, I never really got back into creating my own mandalas. I really liked doing that every day. I started sitting a lot. I recognized feelings of profound loneliness.

The strange thing, is that happens to me a lot. The next thing I know, it's been a month, and my attitude towards myself and my life as deteriorated. Last night, I found out what it is - I am languishing.

My husband attended a conference yesterday, worried and unprepared, so perhaps he shared more than usual. Or perhaps I asked more than usual and showed more concern. Regardless, in explaining somethings to me last night, he talked about some research that is being done where they have a 2x2 construct: loneliness-connectedness vs. flourishing/languishing. (Researchers love 2x2 constructs!) Just as I have been realizing (again, perhaps) that I am not very - well, connected. And I could easily describe my state of living as languishing. Possibly for years now. It's clearly not having something to do - I have more than I can handle to do and often just don't do it. I have often said - I need a job to go to, I need company.

Yet, even when a job presented itself about 2 weeks ago, I decided not to apply. Mostly because it is a lot of accounting work, and not only do I not really know accounting (but I know I could learn), I don't like doing all the finances. I just wanted to be with people working towards a common cause. Hmmmm. Yet, in February I acknowledged that maybe it would be better to just stop thinking about all that. Of course, that is always when things come up. Not that I even applied - the other things that scared me about the job were 1) not getting it, 2) letting a friend down if I didn't do a very good job.

So after all this pitty party, perhaps the languishing/loneliness construct can be useful. Perhaps I can connect with the Mind-Body folks at Emory and participate in studies.

Meanwhile, I was back to the last "revelation" I had from one of my husband's talks. The best time of my life is....RIGHT NOW. I am grateful for the amazing life that we have (I just don't show it day to day). BUT I have to remember that 47 IS PRIME!! That's what I forgot the last month. Today, I'll remember.

Living, Living, HA, HA, HA!!!!

That's what I've been doing and "where" I've been. This is a good year - wait, a great year - partly because I have decided it will be so.

But, the writing hasn't been so much a part of it (yet). What I have been enjoying is:

creating mandalas

yoga/exercise

laughing!!!

But "where" have I really been? From February 27-March 8, I journeyed to Jamaica with 6 other women (all of whom, except me, were from the Ann Arbor, MI area). My sister was one of the women. Each day we got up early and did a "Pure Barre" class for core strength on the upper deck of a pavilion overlooking the ocean. We'd go back for breakfast, and then have a late morning yoga session. Afternoons/evenings were either times for excursions around the small tropical country or hanging out in the local neighborhood. We were staying in a very small town - Oracabessa - which has no tourist trade at all from what we could see.

It was WONDERFUL!!! Restful, rejuvenating, relaxing, and left me ready to jump into exercise in a whole new way. Since I've been back, I've gotten back to (some) running, found some Anusura yoga classes so I can continue what I started, and I have begun some Pilates workouts! So far, the Pilates has been with a one-on-one instructor. In the morning I have my first mat session. I have a full month - 6 weeks of Pilates planned, then it is on to boot camp at the end of April!

Not only do I feel like I'm embracing my mantra - 47 IS PRIME - I feel more alive!

My husband keeps commenting on how soft my skin is - he still thinks it's due to some fancy massage oil or something. No, I think it's just the inner glow radiating outwards - along with more exercise, more sweating to get rid of things, more water, and more cleansing (ie exercise=shower).

Or maybe it was all the cold showers in Jamaica.

While I had originally intended this to be a blog of goals/results - keeping track of a fabulous year all for me - those are more like a foundation that I am building on. February: I did a mandala every day. I am still doing them!! I love it. March: I am exercising every day. It is the 11th, and with the exception of the 7th when I travelled home, I have done something EVERY day. Oh, and I'm down about 10 pounds so far. I'll take on the fruits and vegetables with a vengence soon enough - right now I'm still focusing on eating lunch.

The consistent exercise is already paying off. Today I went to a yoga class for the first time since Jamaica. Wow - I actually felt strong!! I could get deeper into the stretches than just a week ago, and could do twists and hold my foot behind me in a way I wasn't even close to last week. PLUS - I did TREE!!! With my foot on my thigh instead of beneath my knee. And, just after I had told the instructor that I could do it with my foot lower. I love to find out that I am wrong!

Being wrong....well actually I found out last week that the notion of being wrong is one of my "triggers". Not really a surprise, but an attitude I am trying to let go of. Why bother? Why bother asserting that you are right (regardless of whether or not you are)? Yet, for so long, that has seemed to be such a survival tactic! My husband jokes that in my family of origin, we come from a position of "100% certain, 80% correct". The self-assuredness can be wonderful - but I also see that it can also damage or limit relationships. Plus, let's face it - I like to be right. But, I am trying not to let that be a huge way of being and direction in my life. It takes some sitting back, and I find that I spend more time listening. I still have work to do on how that triggers me, why, and what parts of that I want to embrace and which I would prefer to discard. But, only with the PRIME perspective in place!

Lastly, I find myself in a place of embracing laughter more often. The women I was with in Jamaica seemed to have a great sense of humor and were often laughing, even just about little things or throughout conversation. I realized how much I valued that in them and how serious I can be. Still - why not laugh? I have found myself laughing more easily and more often. I laughed in yoga today many times. It felt great!! I noticed that usually I was laughing at myself, or something the yogi said, or a combination of both. I also noticed that I usually am a "good student" and don't laugh and therefore disrupt the class. HA! I say, HA! It was great to laugh, and who cares about disruptions. I was there for me, and my practice, and laughing just fit right in.

As my "life card" from Teculah said at the end of the Jamaica week, I am about RELEASE right now. I laugh in the face of adversity - HA! HA! HA!

Even if the adversity is just a twisted yoga pose or a reminder to tighten my abs. I laugh!

first you have to row a little boat

Using the compass....

Shapes emerge.

This could be a cathedral window - but I see a boat and am reminded of my friend Anne and a book she gave me long ago. First you have to Row a Little Boat.

It's good when I think of friends!!

THIS WEEK - RESULTS

Well, I hardly know what the goals were. Welcome to ADD! Speaking of which, I got my first issue of ADDitude magazine and one of my favorite pieces in it was "you know you're ADD when..." I left it on my desk - my 8 year old thought it was funny, too. I'm not sure she even knows what ADD is (consciously), but she certainly caught the humor anyway.

SO: eating: well, maybe 7 servings of fruits and vegetables...all week.

Mandalas: averaging one each day or more

Weight: actually down about 7 pounds from the first of the year

It is Lent now too, so I have taken on: washing my face before going downstairs each morning (a different ritual than usual, actually inspired by scripture at Ash Wednesday service) and writing a letter/note that goes in the mail every day. So far have written: Deborah and Dori.

Mandalas are posted individually in next posts.

LIVING PRIME!!!! 47 is great.